"I Will Never Be Like My Parents" Is Still Their Programming

Mentor Sinta Ebersohn on the three ways parents pass on their own upbringing, and why it matters for the mental health of the next generation

CAPE TOWN, 9 October 2026. Almost every parent has made the promise at least once: "I will never be like my parents." Ahead of World Mental Health Day on Saturday 10 October, and during Mental Health Awareness Month, Cape Town based Mentor and Parenting Coach Sinta Ebersohn is calling for urgent attention to parental programming, the patterns each generation hands down to the next, often without anyone realising.

"We repeat a pattern because it felt good and normal, or we do the opposite because we remember how painful it was," says Ebersohn, award-winning founder of Get Up and Grow and holder of ten internationally accredited professional designations. "Either way, our history still has a seat at the table. We have to address parenting programming if we want to cultivate resilient future generations instead of transferring and repeating generational trauma."

Three Ways We Treat What Our Parents Gave Us

Drawing on decades of lived and professional experience, and countless examples of how this plays out in families, Ebersohn identifies three ways parents respond to their own upbringing. Research from around the world agrees with much of what she sees.

1. We reject it, and swing from one extreme to the other.

Many parents set out to do things differently. When the Pew Research Center surveyed more than 3,700 parents, 44% said they were deliberately raising their children differently from how they were raised. Some became gentler than their own parents, others firmer. Ebersohn's view is that a reaction against the past is still shaped by the past. "We need to be aware of our own sensitivities and triggers resulting from the parenting we received," she says, "and be mindful of transferring them onto our children by being over-protective or overly permissive."

"Many of us reject what we received and overcompensate, going from the one extreme to the other," she explains. "The parent raised with strict rules struggles to set any. The parent who grew up with an absent mother or father is always available and never rests. The parent who went without, gives far too much. The challenge is to find a healthy balance between what we perceived as wrong or harmful and what we want to instil in our own children. Always be there for your children, though never to your own detriment."

Research on parental burnout points in a similar direction. Studies led from Belgium, including one across 42 countries, link burnout to the pressure on parents to get everything right. As one of the lead researchers put it: "If you want to do the right thing too much, you can end up doing the wrong thing."

2. We honour it, and keep it the same.

Some of what we received deserves to be carried forward. A three generation study in Psychologica Belgica (2013) found that warmth passes from grandparents to parents to children more strongly than harsh discipline does. "Honouring the good is part of the work," says Ebersohn. "Even where there was a void in our childhood, there was often alternative programming too: a grandparent, a teacher or a neighbour who modelled loving care. Many of us learned love and nurturing despite the challenges, and we can choose to carry that forward."

3. We carry it forward without even being aware of it.

This is where ordinary family patterns become generational trauma. Research published in Child Development (1991) found that interviews with expectant mothers about their own childhoods, recorded before their babies were born, predicted how securely those babies were attached at one year old. In 2018, a study in Pediatrics found that children whose parents had experienced four or more adverse childhood experiences had double the risk of ADHD and four times the likelihood of mental health problems. Interestingly, a mother's own childhood adversity had a stronger effect on her child than a father's.

"A parent's own mental health is paramount," says Ebersohn. "Too many parents treat it as a luxury they will attend to once the children are grown. What we leave unhealed in ourselves, our children live with every day. Caring for our own mental health is one of the most important things we can do for theirs."

The Cycle Can Be Broken

The research also carries hope. A 2025 meta-analysis in Development and Psychopathology, covering more than 76,000 parent and child pairs across 30 studies, found that more parents broke the cycle of maltreatment (23.6%) than continued it (17.1%). A study of more than 1,000 UK mothers found that 44% of those with severe childhood maltreatment histories raised children who were spared it, with supportive partners and warm parenting making the difference. Research on what psychologists call earned security shows that parents who come to terms with a difficult childhood, can parent as sensitively as those who had a secure start. The same research found these parents carried more depressive symptoms themselves, a reminder that the parent's own healing matters too.

"It is our duty to heal our own wounds. No one can do it for us," says Ebersohn. "Children learn far more from what we model than from what we tell them. When parents learn to communicate, handle conflict and repair the moment they realise they did harm, their children carry those skills into their friendships and, one day, into their own families. Healing generational trauma is one thing. Fostering healthy future generations is another, and that is how we break the cycle forward."

Free Live Webinar

Ebersohn teaches these patterns in depth, using twelve areas of family life where parental programming hides, in her free live webinar Break the Cycle: Be a Better Parent Than You Had. The next session takes place on Wednesday 11 November 2026 at 11:00 SAST on Zoom. Registration is open now. The session is live only (no recording available).

What Ebersohn Would Love to Discuss

Sinta Ebersohn is available for radio interviews, television appearances, podcast conversations, written articles and keynote engagements on the following topics during Mental Health Awareness Month and on World Mental Health Day:

•  "I will never be like my parents": why the opposite extreme is still inherited programming.

•  Reject, honour or carry it unaware: the three ways parents treat their own upbringing.

•  Generational trauma in ordinary families: how it travels through tone of voice, silence and unspoken family rules.

•  Cycle breakers: what research shows protects children, and what parents can start doing this week.

•  Parentified children who become always available parents: overcompensation and self-neglect.

•  A parent's own mental health: why it is paramount, and why children's mental health starts with it.

•  Practical steps for parents: noticing where a strong reaction comes from, checking whether they have swung too far, and keeping the good on purpose.

About Sinta Ebersohn

Globally acknowledged and respected, Sinta Ebersohn is a pioneering voice in the field of Post Traumatic Growth and Cultivating Resilience. With decades of lived and professional experience, she empowers individuals, families and workforces to turn adversity into strength and disruption into transformation.

She is the multiple award-winning founder of Get Up and Grow and Fair Divorce, global platforms dedicated to the recovery of individuals, families and work teams facing any kind of adversity, setback or trauma and wanting to cultivate resilience at the same time.

Her professional expertise includes international accreditations as First Responder, Resilience Practitioner, Strategic Life Coach, Complementary Therapist, Trauma Debriefing Specialist, Holistic Counsellor, Parenting Coach, Separation and Divorce Mentor, End of Life Doula and Training Provider.