Opposites attract - until payday - How to manage money as a couple when you earn differently

By Kim Potgieter, CFP, author, coach and MD at Chartered Wealth Solutions

In many relationships, one partner earns significantly more than the other. Sometimes the gap is temporary – the result of a career break, retrenchment, starting a business, or caring for children. In other cases, it reflects long-term differences in profession or earning potential. While love might not care about bank balances, money can introduce unexpected tensions, especially over who pays for what and how financial decisions are made.

When money becomes something you hide

Financial infidelity can mean hidden debt or undisclosed accounts. More often, it shows up in smaller ways: concealing purchases, downplaying spending, or setting money aside “just in case”. Forbes has identified financial infidelity as an increasingly recognised issue in relationships, noting that many people hide financial decisions from their partners to avoid conflict or uncomfortable conversations.

In relationships where incomes are unequal, these behaviours can become more common. Lower-earning partners may hide spending out of guilt or fear of criticism. Higher-earning partners may withhold information to maintain control or avoid difficult conversations. Over time, money shifts from being a shared tool to a source of anxiety and mistrust.

Money is emotional, not just mathematical

Money carries emotional weight. It represents security, independence, identity, and power. Financial behaviour is rarely neutral; it is shaped by upbringing, lived experience, and deeply held beliefs about worth and responsibility.

In practice, income imbalance can create silent strain. Some partners feel uncomfortable spending money they did not earn. Others feel the pressure of being the sole provider. In some relationships, one partner takes control of financial decisions, often unintentionally sidelining the other. 

Why shared planning matters

In my work, I often see how financial imbalance shifts the dynamic within a relationship. One client, for example, became the sole earner while her partner pursued a series of business ventures that never gained traction. Without shared financial accountability, the responsibility for funding their lifestyle and absorbing financial risk fell entirely on her.

In situations like this, when a financial plan does not reflect shared commitment or shared decision-making, it becomes increasingly difficult to view money as “ours” rather than “mine”. This is precisely why I insist on meeting with couples together. Being married means planning towards a secure future as a team. Both partners need to understand the plan, agree to the strategy, and support the day-to-day financial decisions that make it work. Without that alignment, even the most carefully constructed financial plan is unlikely to succeed for either partner.

Fair does not always mean equal

There is no single correct way to manage money when incomes differ. Some couples split expenses evenly. Others contribute proportionally based on earnings. Some pool all their money, while others maintain separate accounts alongside shared expenses.

What matters is not the structure itself, but whether both partners feel respected, secure, and included. A system that works on paper but leaves one partner feeling dependent, controlled, or excluded is unlikely to be sustainable over time.

Creating financial balance in unequal partnerships

Start with what the money is forBefore deciding how expenses are split, couples need clarity on what they are building together. Money decisions are far easier to navigate when both partners understand the life the plan is meant to support. Without a shared vision, even the fairest systems can feel frustrating or misaligned.

Separate income from self-worthEarning less does not mean contributing less. Raising children, managing a household, or supporting a partner’s career are valuable contributions.

Pay attention to detachment, not just conflictA financial plan cannot succeed when one partner carries all the responsibility while the other disengages or avoids money altogether. If money is meant to support the life you are building together, both partners need to be involved, hold each other accountable, and work as a team.

Agree on behaviours, not just numbersA financial plan relies on everyday choices. Beyond the numbers, couples need to agree on the money habits that support the plan, such as spending boundaries, saving discipline, and shared responsibility for financial decisions.

Protect both partners’ financial securityIf one partner takes a career break, consider allocating a portion of savings or investments in their name. Long-term financial security should belong to both partners, not just the higher earner.

Money has a way of revealing the deeper dynamics in a relationship. How couples earn, spend, save, and plan often mirrors how they communicate, trust, and make decisions together. When those conversations are shared and intentional, money stops being something to manage alone – it becomes part of a future shaped together.