Most parents agree that children should help around the house. It's the creating and maintaining a system that they find difficult.
Here are some tips to get your children to help out at home.
1. Be sensitive to the timing of requests.
If a child is in the middle of homework or a game, the request should wait until the end. Try not to have to give requests that must be remembered like "when you're finished with your homework...". If your child is enjoying television time, the parent should wait until the end of the program or a commercial break to make the request.
2. Pay only for tasks that involve the household.
Do not pay for personal responsibilities such as keeping ones own bedroom clean, or brushing your teeth. This is expected, it does not involve the maintenance of "common property" to the family.
3. Pay "up front" for the work
Put your children's allowance in a glass jar at the beginning of the week so they may see it and know that it is there for them. However, the money is not actually given to them until the end of the week. Build responsibility into the system by telling them that, although it is their money, they will be require to forfeit part of their allowance to you for everyday they do not do their chores, since you will be the one who will have to do them. In essence, they are paying you for YOUR work.
4. Remember, parents are coaches and mentors.
Chores need to be taught patiently and kindly just like anything in life. Training does take time but it is part of your job. Children are capable of so much more than we sometimes allow, and they feel wonderful when they discover that they can do something meaningful for the family. So take the time to teach.
5. ASK your children to do chores.
This sounds so simple. Many chores do not get done, simply because parents do not ask. Expecting a child (or husband) to be proactive is unreasonable. They just don't seem to SEE the dirt and mess like a wife and mother can.
If a parent does not ask the child to do anything, it is not the child's fault and thus he should still get the allowance anyway. Parents have to train themselves to ask. You might want to put a note on the refrigerator to remind yourself.
How do you implement the "Chores" system?
- Sit down with your family and explain that you could use some help around the house.
- Ask the children if they would like to earn some money. Get their agreement.
- Point out that household chores are a part of life and to be a successful adult one needs to know how to take care of a home inside and out. In addition, make it clear that children should be responsible for some of the upkeep since they create some of the clutter. Do not allow this to become a complaint and whining session, or become over-critical.
- Explain that because of your busy schedule, you don't always know when and what needs to be done in the house. Therefore when you request a chore to be done, the child must do it.
- Make it clear that you will be respectful of the child's other activities, but that you expect the child to do the chore within a few minutes of the request WITHOUT complaint.
- Put Rand notes into a jar in front of each child. Explain that if the child does her chores without hesitation or complaint that she can take all the money out the jar on Saturday.
- Sit together and make up a list of chores that each child is capable of doing and add tasks that the child can be taught to do. Keep the tasks very general - or you will have arguments that a task is "not on the list".
The "Chores-On-Demand" system works for so many families who are challenged by more formal methods. Not only do children get the benefits of feeling like responsible members of the family, they also learn to respond to parents the first time they are asked because the system is always in effect.
A key to the entire system is that you MUST ask clearly and verbally for a task to be done, allocate the task to a specific child, and if the task is not done, follow up by removing money from the jar.
SOME BIG DON'TS - these are true for husbands also
Do not expect comments to be interpreted as requests. If you say "look at the mess this place is in" the child (or husband) will not realise this is a problem that they are expected to solve. Sighing while you pick up the toys, banging crockery loudly and complaining how untidy everyone is, and how hard done-by you are, is also not a request.
At first you will need to be very specific. Don't say "Tidy the lounge"; say "pick up the toys off the floor and take the plates and cups back to the kitchen".
Do not say "one of you... do x". Pick a child by name, say the name first, wait for their attention, look them in the eye and tell them briefly what must be done. Do not whine, raise your voice, or suggest by any words or tone of voice that this is a discussion.
Do not give warnings. Remove the money visibly in front of the child, drawing attention and explaining what you are doing and how much is being removed. Never remove money from the jar when the child is not present. The first time there are no consequences, the child will ignore all future consequences.
Do not talk about the chores as "helping your poor mother". They are not helping YOU do YOUR chores, they are sharing in the common work of maintaining the home they live in. As a mother, you need to stop thinking of "household work" as "my work".
Do not share work unequally. One child will always be that much easier to deal with, will do the job better, quicker and with less complaint. And the other child will rely on complaints and poor performance to get out of chores. And they will carry that attitude into their work one day, ending up in a dead end job or fired. You are not doing them any favours by rewarding bad habits.
Do not forget to say thank you and smile. Sometimes that is more of a reward (to both a child and husband) than any financial incentive.
Did YOU do chores as a child. Do your children do chores today?
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